You can rest easy, Cracked Fans. Bruce Ivins, the man who allegedly tried to destroy Cracked has committed suicide. How did he try to destroy Cracked? Terrific question, Daniel. I’ll elaborate.

Some of you may remember the series of anthrax attacks in the Spring and Summer of 2001, (what was up with that?). While it was first suspected to be the work of terrorists, suspicions later turned to American scientists who worked exclusively with anthrax. All available evidence pointed to Ivins as the lead suspect and, when he realized that the government wanted to "talk" to him, he took the shit out of his own life.

Since the I’ll kill myself to prove how not guilty I am defense strategy is actually quite damning in a court of law, it is believed aOlernKienOP
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"I never had a chance."

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It was 2001. Enron was filing for bankruptcy, an earthquake in El Salvador killed 800, and a little movie called The Fast and the Furious was quickly and ferociously speeding towards box office glory. The streets were tough and the times were tougher. I was in a transitional period as far as jobs went. I was just starting aOlernKienOP
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My detective agency was hired by the United States government after the anthrax attacks on Brokaw and Daschle to get to the bottom of this mystery. Why the government decided to put this case in the hands of a gritty, small time, totally clich detective agency instead of, say, the FBI or the army or scientists, is anyone’s guess. The point was, the case was ours, so we had to solve it. We never said "no" to a case, so long as the price was right. I remember heading over to the Chief’s office when the case was first handed over to us.

I approached Dolly, the Chief’s secretary.

"What’s the good word, Dolly?" She flashed me a smile sweet enough to make even the blackest coffee drinkable. Dolly had these big, blue eyes that she hid behind thick, horn rimmed glasses. You might miss them aOlernKienOP
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"The Chief will see you in just a minute, aOlernKienOP
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"It’s good to see you, Guinness." They know my family has a history of alcohol abuse.

"This looks like a pretty open and shut case to me." He then opened and shut the briefcase on his desk repeatedly to demonstrate his point. This went on for a lot longer than you’d expect, and I was growing pretty uncomfortable.

"Chief, I’m not so sure it’s all that open and shut."

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"That’s what I mean, Chief. It can’t be terrorists. It just doesn’t make any sense."

"How do you figure, aOlernKienOP
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"Well, Chief, the first rule of Detective ing is to figure out who has the most to gain from any given crime. Qui bono, as the saying goes in Latin. ‘Who benefits?’"

"I know what it means, Guinness, you didn’t have to translate it." I stared at my shoes for a little while. I forgot that the Chief was fluent in Latin. I knew he was particularly proud of the accomplishment, and I could tell that I hurt his feelings and I felt downright rotten. He probably doesn’t get a lot of chances to show off how much Latin aOlernKienOP
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"Still, Chief, we’re straying from the topic. We’re like Dolemite, but with Nukes." I wondered if the Chief was familiar with Dolemite and, specifically, his policy on dealing with motherfuckers. (He cuts them). "So, we have to figure that terrorists wouldn’t do it, because they know they’d just be signing their own death warrant. We need to ask ourselves ‘Who would benefit?’"

"By God, Guinness, you’re right! The scientists who work on Anthrax research! aOlernKienOP
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"I want you doing everything you can to track this lead down. Shake up all of your informants, get your hands dirty, and get Tacos on the case, too." ‘Tacos’ was the nickname given to James Rodriguez, because he’s vaguely Mexican. This was a shockingly racist office. "Do whatever you need to do to solve this case."

And we did. James and I, (I refuse to call him ‘Tacos’), were a tenacious pair of detectives. We weren’t afraid to bang down doors, even if it meant getting our hands dirty.

"This door is filthy," I recall James saying one morning. And it was, but we banged on it anyway, getting the dirt all over our hands. Even after he washed them, James couldn’t stop smelling his hands all day, that’s how dirty the door was.

"Let’s just ask him straight out if he’s mailing anthrax to people. I am so sick of beating around the bush," I said as we were walking up to his studio apartment. James was quick to correct me.

"Let’s not give out too much info too soon. I’ve got a hunch about this one. If we ask him, he’s gonna think we’re on to him. We need make him think aOlernKienOP
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