“My system has a bigger dick than your system.” George Carlin (paraphrase)

System wars started in the 1990s when Nintendo and SEGA both acquired thermonuclear weapons of mass destruction, disassembled them, and created the Super Nintendo and SEGA Genesis from the assorted missle components. These devices still contained trace amounts of specific radiations which caused a fanatical zealotry in the fanbase and, therefore, epic battles to be waged across vast aOlernKienOP air jordan spizike knicks orange Triathlete earns the right to swim landscapes as the systems vied for superiority.

In the 2005s, or so, Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft furthered system wars by adding aOlernKienOP air jordan 11 retro low green snakeskin black nightshade white volt track a another console to the fray and using modern technology to create boxes capable of launching the ICBMs which started the system wars. To this date, battles have been waged between the factions through internet message boards, trade shows, and cosplay.

However, little physical violence and bloodshed has occurred since the early days of the wars. As such, people can keep screaming and marching down the freeway to demonstrate exactly how their system of choice is superior without any repercussions besides being called hurtful names on an internet message board or scoffed by their (maybe) real life peers.

To combat this, rumor has it that Sony has packaged an officially licensed shiv within all PS3s produced since 2007. Seriously, open your PS3 and look for it.

Cutscenes are too short

Cutscenes are periods of inactivity in video games so that the player can receive narration, a chance aOlernKienOP air jordan 3 powder blue dark powder blue black wolf grey white Ultimate Re to rest, or view the awesome graphics. As such, cutscenes developed from short introductory segments to the approximately 10 hours or so contained within Metal Gear Solid 4.

Believe it or not, this air jordan 18 black sport royal is a cutscene.

Right now, the year 2009 for the archaeologists of the future, cutscenes are too short. The length of each individual scene needs to be increased to where player interaction will be limited to pressing an in game button to cue the next cut scene. Also, the time between cutscenes must be decreased. This is, considered by many, the pinnacle of video game achievement. No longer will gamers have to brave air jordan 4 iv air force one fusion ajf 4 varsity red cement grey repetitive motion strain injuries or master complicated button combinations to advance the story. The crowning achievement will be the day when gamers need only insert a game into their systems and, with a singular push of the start button, watch the game play itself through a series of cutscenes.

The only drawback to this is that most gamers are fed a strict diet of Mountain Dew and fried corn chips in assorted flavors. As such, video game developers air jordan 9 olive black varsity red light olive have hired extensive teams of scientists to develop the technology needed so that gamers who have to use the facilities are able to aOlernKienOP air jordan My daughter was telling me a girl at school called her shoes pause and then resume the game using specialized buttons once they are finished masturbating.

A well lobed female scientist studies video games aOlernKienOP air jordan 1 94 retro white black red Tips for Cleaning Suede Shoes with a microscope.

Video games are too short

Even with cutscenes increasing the length (measured in time units, not distance units), video games are too short for the modern video game connoisseur. In order to appease this type of gamer, video game designers have created numerous focus groups consisting of video gamers to determine how exactly to increase a game’s play time. Unfortunately, these panels did little more than eat nachos, drink Mountain Dew and lick cheese off each other.

Iron Chef Cat Cora supplied the nachos.

This lack of insight continues to plague video game design companies who struggle to increase the length of their product. Instead of drawn out travel segments which usually break narrative cohesion, designers have found ways of incorporating more of the violence and princess rescuing that gamers love. Doing so meant that systems no longer push the limits of graphics technology and instead devote more processing power and memory to gameplay. Where, in the past, gamers could relish driving through a sprawling wasteland on an ill controlled vehicle, they now can enjoy up to seven and a half extra dungeons and levels with an increased number of unique enemies!

Once these two length adding devices have been incorporated into a finished product gamers will have the ability to play games which routinely require gameplay completion times around 200 hours. In addition, many games will incorporate World of Warcraft style leveling and item drop systems to allow gamers to spend double, triple or even quadruple the time required to air jordan 7 dmp defining moments black charcoal team red thoroughly complete the game. Once cutscenes are added the games will increase in length to such a degree that gamers can enjoy playing games with time requirements akin to a full time job.

“You load 16 tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt.” Tennessee Ernie Ford

Saving proves you are a bad gamer

Back when the Soviet scientists were developing block/gravity interaction technology for use in air to air combat applications, they stumbled across the idea of saving data. Of course, these experiments were done on computers smuggled into East Germany and, as such, saving was already a feature in the software package. One bright scientist, Mikhail Kolokonov, wrote a dissertation on how saving video game data would advance their science. This scientist, who later worked on the top secret Gundam Initiative, tried selling the data to various ramen carts but was denied sales by surprise Ninjas, the Japanese secret police. One day, however, he stumbled (drunk) upon Yuji Naka and Shigeru Miyamoto who happened to be out holding hands, picking cherry blossoms, and skipping through Tokyo. After vomiting on their shoes, the scientist passed out and the two friends found the data aOlernKienOP air jordan 10 x retro black white Disposal shoe cover in the hobo’s tattered jacket while looking for expired air jordan 9 photo blue black hentai coupons. With this discovery Naka and Miyamoto glared at each other, grabbed a random half of the data and became fierce enemies. To air jordan this day, tea ceremonies all over Japan are interrupted by the effects of their yelling.

Miyamoto then sent classified documents to a company called Squaresoft which, until that time, made bakery softening agents for brownies and assorted cakes. Squaresoft took the remnants of a combat simulator and named it “Final Fantasy.” Unfortunately, Japanese prototype game testers were unable to complete the game without suffering severe concentration induced aneurisms. Hironobu Sakaguchi found a Post Air Jordan 10 It note with Kolokolov’s suggestion and implemented the first save point system to keep his testers from devolving into puddles of tentacle rape aftermath.

Standard Japanese/American save point. Enough room for 7 sweaty, male adventurers. Sexy!

Since that day games have decided to air jordan implement several different methods of saving, the oldest and most popular being the save point. A save point is a predetermined area where a player can save a game’s progress before greeting the escort at the door. Unlike other, more inferior, save systems such as background saving (Half Life 2) or instant saving (The Legend of Zelda: aOlernKienOP air jordan spizike white cement RV Parks in Erie Ocarina of Time) save points require gamers to perfect the segments between save point “A” and save point “Over There.” This allows gamers to increase their skill through the repetition of extremely difficult and/or tedious areas. Gamers may complain about spending hours upon hours in these trial and error style level designs but they really are just being little pansies with no legitimate concerns since recently declassified Soviet data suggests that they were nearly 68% successful at creating a soldier so powerful that it could play any game (adjusted for inflation) without a need to save. This means that any gamer who whines about saving is merely playing right into the hands of the Communist bastards who will use the advantage of their lack of save points to enslave the human race.

Typical Soviet save point. Wanna touch it?

There are air jordan 13 infrared black infrared 23 black not enough sports games per season

Sports games are video games based on the premise that the average gamer is too decrepit to know what a ball is let alone pick one up. Also sports games air jordan cater to those casual style players who buy $300 systems to play one $50 (plus applicable sales tax) game a aOlernKienOP air jordan 3 iii retro cdp countdown pack Pilates Exercises for Fantastic F year. aOlernKienOP air jordan of vehicles running on ethanol Various video game development companies including EA Sports, where an undefined “It” is in every game, have taken it upon themselves to craft a plethora of these games in order to satisfy this incredible market demand. Even so, many of these games remain unsold and are forced to exist with the knowledge that somewhere, out there is someone who just didn’t love it enough to spend $50 and take it home.

This should be the “It” in every EA Sports game.

One popular game within the genre of sports games is called “Madden.” This is not actually the name of a game but the name of a series of American football based games where players are indoctrinated into loyal Maddenites via the repetition of John Madden’s catchphrases. As such, Madden games have developed something akin aOlernKienOP air jordan 19 white varsity red Why Local SEO Is Important To Your Business to a mainstream cult following and the release dates of the newest installment achieve a war lust insatiability. Unbeknownst to many, these dates coincide with substantial increases in lunar phenomena which encourage the events to become orgy filled drug binges and, therefore, cause weather satellites to fall from orbit and crash into cancer ridden 1800s orphan chimney sweeps because of the “Superman Effect.”