24 Mar 2015

Air Jordan 18s 5 Ways Having a Baby Messes With Your Brain

So I’ve been taking some time off from writing columns because I’ve been busy having a baby. While everyone knows that taking care of babies is a light task no more difficult than a simple newspaper route, I guess it must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back when it came on top of writing regular columns for Cracked and an actual 9 to 6 desk job making movies for the public to compare poorly to Pixar movies.

I first took off (column writing, not animating) in the middle of the pregnancy because I was already getting overwhelmed, and I felt like a wuss doing so, because lots of other women work vigorous blue collar type jobs all the way through their pregnancies and I must be some kind of sissy taking it easy so early. But like our old used Ford Fairmont station wagon, I was constantly overheating, falling apart, and cornering like a cow. I just didn’t understand why I was holding up so much worse than all the other ladies I knew.

After 48 hours of Air Jordan 18s labor, one week past the due date, and a lot of bafflement among the doctors and nurses as to why the baby was making no progress, they finally decided to cut him out with a knife. It turned out he was just shy of 12 pounds, which set some local records, if I remember correctly, and I believe my first words at the time were “Well, that explains a lot.”

That said, my ability to carry aOlernKienOP air jordan 7 filbert natural obsidian white More bad news for Penn State out simple tasks got even worse, if possible, after the baby came out. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this column, but that’s the ironic thing, I guess: Reduced brain capacity also leads to poor decision making, which leads you to agree to things you don’t have the brain capacity for.

So here’s why I shouldn’t be writing this.

5. Lack of Sleep

I know, aOlernKienOP air jordan 20 stealth black red How to Draw Overlapping Shoes I know, this is such a cliche. They even made an entire short lived sitcom about it. It starred Will Arnett and Christina Applegate and was called Not Getting Any Sleep or Awake Because of the Baby or something. Sorry, it’s hard to remember details when you’ve been up all night.

Dammit, it’s on the tip of my tongue.

Anyway, you probably have the image of the baby waking up in the middle of aOlernKienOP air jordan 13 infrared black infrared 23 black Secrets To Lucid Dreaming the night crying, and this is what wakes up the new parents. Like it’s all caused by the baby being unpredictable and disrupting this perfect schedule you want to set.

I don’t know if air jordan 8 bugs bunny retro 2013 a lot of people realize this, but even if everything goes right, it is impossible for a mom to get enough sleep under the recommended schedules. Even assuming the baby always goes to sleep immediately and sleeps as long as he wants, he needs to eat every two to three hours (for the first few months at least). If you’re bottle feeding, air jordan 11 legend blue white black legend blue you can take turns with aOlernKienOP air jordan 10 x retro black white Fall Suit Colors your spouse or nanny or undocumented indentured servant air jordan 1 retro ko high sport blue or whatever, but if you’re air jordan 12 xii original og breast feeding, which all air jordan 3 powder blue dark powder blue black wolf grey white the doctors push pretty hard nowadays, that means every feeding requires the mom to be awake.

(Note: Apparently there is a big air jordan 8 phoenix suns 8s 2013 breast feeding war on between two groups of angry people who think everyone who doesn’t do it is murdering their baby or everyone who wants you to do it is the Gestapo. If you are on either of those sides, please don’t hurt me, I am only a civilian passing through.)

“I don’t want any trouble! Just take what you want!”

So if she’s breast feeding, in the air jordan 19 white varsity red best case scenario the mom sleeps no more than two hours at a time. She gets eight to 10 of these nap opportunities (napportunities?) in every 24 hour period. Three of them are lost because she has to eat. Maybe another one for a shower (once in a while at least). This is assuming the aOlernKienOP Nike LeBron 12 like technology offers noninvasive monitor for patients and baby is a magical baby that goes to sleep immediately when he is supposed to and never cries. Since this is not the case, you can cross out a couple more. This leaves two to four two air jordan 18 white red hour napportunities, and due to stress and visitors aOlernKienOP air jordan 2 ii retro carmello anthony melo white university blue varisty m and accidents and other factors, she could easily get less sleep in each two hour window than the 90 minutes that experts say constitutes a full sleep cycle.

And if the baby should, by God’s infinite grace, sleep more than three hours, just as you are starting to celebrate, medical professionals will tell you that you have to wake him up and feed him, because blood sugar, blah, blah, blah. You know that scene in The Shawshank Redemption where aOlernKienOP Air Jordan 11s World Cup stars fail to sparkle on Premier League return Andy gets out of the sewer pipe? This is like if someone pointed out he had to go back because he forgot his shoes.

It would be ironic because then Andy would have been guilty of murder.

So this isn’t just lack of sleep due to accidents happening and random things waking you up at night. This is you being forced to use your own willpower to deprive yourself of sleep and stick to aOlernKienOP air jordan 1 retro high black max orange white run lead at home a horrible timeline because science. The only thing worse than an outside force making your life unpleasant is you having to do it to yourself.

4. Being Emotionally Compromised

I think everybody knows that after you have air jordan 7 retro dmp bulls magic a baby you have some crazy hormones going on that are partially pregnancy hormones readjusting to not being pregnant and partially feel good hormones to make you want to take care of the baby. I can’t think of anything funny to say about this beyond cliche PMS rage jokes and even more cliche woman breaks down in tears about ordinary things jokes, so aOlernKienOP air jordan 6 retro white midnight navy Marathon Training Tips fill them in yourself.

And then make some jokes about airplane food, why not.

I think the reason everyone runs on those two same rails when it comes to making funny observations about post pregnancy emotions is because postpartum depression really isn’t very funny, as conditions that can lead to self harm and baby harm tend not to be laugh riots.

And the only personal anecdote I have about emotional breakdowns is when I had to go to the ER one week after the baby was born. I guess it’s funny in the sense that all stories about the doctor forgetting something inside you during aOlernKienOP air jordan xx3 white black red Hartford Shoes an operation are funny. Which is not really.

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