23 Mar 2015

Jordan 10 Retro Apparently

3. A 3,000 Year Old Sarcophagus Is Found in Someone’s Wall

Going through dead relatives’ stuff is the ultimate gamble. On one hand you might find some hilarious vintage porn, but you run an equal risk of discovering a shoe box labeled “Germany, 1943” that no one was ever meant to open.

What you’re seeing is the lid to a mummy box older than the freaking Bible. It just sold for 12,000 pounds at auction after being found hidden inside the walls of a renovated country home in Essex, England, that once belonged to a world traveling journalist, since deceased. It Jordan 10 Retro is unclear whether his death was related to the secret mummy coffin, but it is our responsibility to assume that it was.

How and why a dusty old pharaoh bone shuttle wound up inside the walls of a British mansion can’t be explained, not even by the dead globetrotter’s Air Jordan 13s relatives. However, we have no Jordan Retro 10 doubt some kind of ancient sun blackening curse was put upon all of mankind after the previous owner crudely attempted to repaint the coffin’s face.

“Eh, I did better on this than on the Jesus painting.”

2. So Many Human Skulls Get Donated to Goodwill

Recently, Goodwill has received numerous anonymous donations of human skulls, because apparently there exists a demographic of person who just has way more skulls lying around the house than they know what to do with.

“The sales receipt was signed, ‘G. Danzig.'”

Back in August, someone in Austin, Texas, dropped a skull into a Goodwill donation bin, presumably patting themselves on the back for heroically providing some underprivileged goth kid with a new candle holder. The police understandably began an investigation into the kind deed, because skulls aren’t baseball cards or old Huey Lewis tapes. Unless it’s discarded medical school property, dropping human remains into a public bin is less “making a donation” than it is “disposing of evidence.”

Two more skulls were found the month before at a Goodwill in Seattle, along with the ancient bones of a Native American child for some reason. This is another way of saying Air Jordan 12s that there is now a Goodwill in Seattle that is super fucking haunted.

1. The International Space Station Air Jordan 18s Is Possessed

Apparently, the J SSOD, a satellite deployer cannon in charge of spitting out new CubeSats (tiny satellites) on the International Space Station, has been getting a bit overzealous about its job, and has begun shooting those little bastards out into the abyss without any human instruction whatsoever. In the ISS’s defense, shooting a giant space cannon is probably awesome, and if we had one, we would keep firing that thing until we were out of satellites.

It’s like if Michael Bay programed HAL.

According to NASA, “No crew members or ground controllers saw the deployment,” nor did any camera manage to capture footage of the ISS performing an operation entirely by itself. It’s almost as if it waited until the exact moment it knew nobody would be watching because it didn’t want anyone to see what it was up to.

To be sure, it isn’t uncommon to encounter glitches from time to time, especially with new equipment, but it is important to note that this is actually the second time this has happened the station “accidentally” released two other satellites the month before. After two failed attempts to troubleshoot the situation, the flight crew is now considering bringing in the cannon to assess the problem, which should probably be done sooner rather than later. We can’t say for certain what the ISS is up to, but blanketing the upper atmosphere in tiny surveillance drones is definitely Phase 1 of some kind of plan.

Dave is on the Twitter if you feel like following him. No biggie.

For more real life horror stories, check out 5 News Stories That Are the First Minutes of a Horror Film and 3 Dark Facts Cruise Lines Don’t Want You to Know.

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