the fastest man alive. And really, that’s where this should have ended; someone at the toy factory suggests gluing The Flash to a set of wheels and the next day he’s collecting unemployment checks.

What, does The Flash get tired? Is Nike LeBron 12 this for when he needs to rest his fallen arches?

Also, in addition to adding the limitations of traffic laws and a need to stop and fuel up at the Citgo in the middle of a supervillain attack, the bike is so abrasively bright that even Stevie Wonder could see it coming.

Wait. are those little Air Jordan 10 golden wings that flip down at the back there? Does this thing fly, or are those just to mow down whatever civilians are still alive on the sidewalk after the Human Torch came through?

4. Action Master Jazz, with Skateboard

At least The Flash could make the argument that he wanted to save wear and tear on his shoes (he must have gone through the damn things) but Jazz transforms into a fucking sports car. Air Jordan 23s Making him ride around on a freaking skateboard is like you strapping two infants to Jordan Pro Strong your feet and making them crawl around so you don’t have to walk.

To close this logical flaw, the toy makers took away this figure’s ability to transform. This being a toy they still called a Transformer, because that was the only reason anyone owned the toys. We totally hope somebody got sued for this.

Armed with fingerless gloves and unpleasantly Air Jordan 13s short spider shorts, this figure confirms a longstanding suspicion within the Spider Man community: That you can cut diamonds on Peter Parker’s thighs.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bodacious Birthday

Maybe someone wanted to string together the world’s most absurd Mad Lib. Maybe they wanted to scar children for the rest of their lives. No matter why they did it, someone, somewhere put the Ninja Turtles in clown make up. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.

Everything about this had to come from Stephen King’s nightmares. From the bizarre, almost guilty look on his face to his freakish extending legs, this is only a Ninja Turtle in the sense that it may still have a shell.

Let’s assume for a second that the Ninja Turtles did want to retire from their lives of being totally radical and become entertainers at kiddie parties. Why would you need to dress up like Red Skelton to do it? You’re a giant fucking turtle that’s also a ninja. If a six year old finds that mundane then they’re probably too extreme for their own good anyway.

Most men would say that in a world with blasters, laser swords and giant bipedal robots, arming yourself with anything that needs to be reloaded and can’t penetrate plywood is a death wish. Well, Darth Vader is not most men.

Though it’s also possible this is the result of a bet he lost with the Emperor.

For more retarded toys, check out The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World and The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever.