So you’ve decided to get back in shape. Congratulations! Your heart, your lungs and your long suffering significant other thank you.

No doubt you’ve read or been told that before you start any exercise program,
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Congratulations you’ve decided to take up running,
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And while you’re at it, stop hanging around with seventh graders,
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And to your surprise, you actually do it. You take off onto the dark, empty streets. All is great until suddenly,
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Running is one of the more jiggly sports. Lots of impact. And the vibrations of your feet pounding on the ground over and over again hit resonance with your gastrointestinal system, causing it to, ahem,
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This is Paula Radcliffe totally smoking some dude during a 10K while she is seven months pregnant.

Paula Radcliffe holds the world’s record female marathon time at 2:15:25. And near the end of the 2005 world championship marathon, Paula straight ran herself into some problems: "I was losing time because I was having stomach cramps and I thought ‘I just need to go and I’ll be fine.’ I didn’t really want to resort to that in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Basically I needed to go. I started feeling it between 15 and 16 miles and probably carried on too long before stopping. I must have eaten too much beforehand."

She ducked behind a barrier and did what she had to do. The media, recognizing this as an unfortunate and shameful moment of internal distress, broadcast it live to the entire world.

"Who needs journalistic integrity? I’m selling this to the Internet!"

Oh, yeah. She won that race. At 2:17:42.

That wasn’t a freak accident. According to a Dutch study, 45 percent of all runners experience some form of GI discomfort on their runs. For the most part, this form of incontinence manifests itself in a sudden and undeniable urge to go now and will not necessarily explosively propel you along your running trail. With forethought and planning, you can reduce these urges and create a Boy Scout like preparedness for when the unexpected attacks. Eat a low fiber meal the night before, stay hydrated,
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Of course, you could just take on a different form of exercise, like cycling. You know, like who won the 1986 Tour de France with a load in his shorts. Hmmm . we would suggest trying swimming,
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Especially for the guy you’re overtaking.

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Except that you’ve noticed that when you go out with your (pathetically fatter, slower) friends, you’re always covered in sheen of sweat while they’re baby powder dry. No, that’s not exactly right. You’re actively sweating. Profusely. In fact, you constantly look like you’ve just stepped out of the gym or perhaps a swimming pool. A swimming pool filled with armpit grease.

According to Lance Armstrong’s coach,
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Mind you, he’s in the Basketball Hall of Fame and you’ve just got a trophy you found in a cereal box.

Your body knows that you’re prone to taking off on 50 mile bike rides, and it has to be ready to cool you down. But it can’t tell the difference between a pre ride warm up and a flight of stairs to your office. So to be on the safe side, it just turns the sweat faucets on and lets loose anytime your heart rate increases by an additional beat per minute.

"I swear I did not sleep with her. What? No,
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3. Abuse to Your Feet, Nipples and "Scrotal Zone"

One of the best parts of getting and staying in shape is that it makes you sexy. And not in an artificial, plastic surgery way, but in a genuine, this chick can shatter billiard balls with her ass muscles way.

If that’s your thing. It’s not our thing,
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That is, except for all the parts of your body you’re now going to have to hide.

Like your feet. Your feet are gonna be ugly. People who run three miles a day three days a week or bike an astounding four mile round trip to and from work do not have this problem. But once you step up your training and start pushing yourself to go faster and farther, you can forget about all your cute nail polishes and go ahead and burn your flip flops. You’re never wearing them again. Your feet are going to become gnarled,
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Trust us, you don’t want to see what’s under that tape.

But that’s feet. Except for a small group of people with a very particular fetish,
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